After The Binge...

Love lasts forever (so they say) - and trying to fit all you've got into a 3 day holiday with that someone special who's been away for a while can be somewhat exhausting...

We did a bit of drinking for his birthday.

The next day was spent cuddling.

The only quiet time we spent was for about 15 minutes when I was taking him back. I was driving - and I glanced over occasionally as he gazed out the window in silence. I finally smacked his leg and said "Shut - up! You're too fucking loud!" We both roared as we stopped for the last drink together. I looked in his baby blue eyes and tearily said "I'm missing you already."

He kissed me and went to stand in the doorway, watching as I pulled away.
I never wanted to go.

I'm counting the seconds till I see you again Little Brother...

PRISON NATION

Posters on the Prison Industrial Complex

June 7 - 28, 2009

c.a.f.e. infoshop
935 F Street
Fresno, CA 93706
559-367-6020

June 7 - 28, 2009

c.a.f.e. infoshop
935 F Street
Fresno, CA 93706
559-367-6020

The U.S. has the largest prison population in the world-over 2.3 million inmates. Since the 1970s, the rate of most serious crimes has dropped, yet prisons have been filled at double capacity. People of color, the poor, the illiterate, the mentally ill, youth, and women are the primary occupants. This growth is due to mandatory drug sentencing laws, conspiracy provisions, a dysfunctional parole system, inadequate legal representation, and huge profits made by the multinational corporations servicing the prisons. The posters in Prison Nation cover issues surrounding the system of mass incarceration including: racial disparity in sentencing, the death penalty, the Three Strikes law, women's right to self defense, access to education and health care, the growing rate of incarceration, slave labor, divestment, privatization, torture, and re-entry into the community. They show the power of art to educate and inspire people to action.

Many of the selections on display at the info shop will be available for sale.

For more information contact the California Prison Moratorium Project at www.calipmp.org or www.myspace.com/capmp

Posters from CSPG's Prison Nation are on display inconjunction with a June workshop series and statewide coalition march on June 15, 2009 sponsored by:

Prison Nation is available to travel and will soon be available as an online exhibition on CSPG’s website.

This exhibition is funded in part by the
Cultural Affairs Department, City of Los Angeles

2008 in Review...

Morning Ecstasy

Why can't things ever be simple?

Falling in love can be classed among these "things" that never are simple. A simple thing is the first brushstroke to the canvas - then it becomes complex...

After that initial brushstroke - that's when the form & color explode.

...and as compared to life, the intricacies erupt - in vivid flowing connected timelines - beating a path towards the ultimate finale.

Leonardo da Vinci once said, "Art is never finished, only abandoned." Now it seems I know what he means - and so it is with Life & Love.

Please, clue me in...

I saw Fucker for Thanksgiving. He invited me to his house for the feast with his family. It was a great time, and I thank him from the bottom of my heart. We've remained close friends through all this. He knows my story - without the latest twisting developments.

Last night was the topper...

Now it's time to follow my Heart.

The Power Of Love Is Infinite

...at least that's what the tea leaves read.
...and yes, I'm still working on it - it's always a work in progress.

An hour and a half massage to a twisted nerve in the neck and shoulder can reveal a few things about someone's desires - and what a hunky bantam bastard he is! He does remind me of a rooster - all puffed up and tuff like he tries to come off - but with me - he shows his tender side. I stroke his long gorgeous hair to the front of his furry chest and explore his muscular and compact shoulders, rubbing that spot that makes him groan with relief in that gruff-sexy voice. The whole damn ritual of it turns me on wildly as I cajole my throbber on his back ever so lightly - and he likes it as much as I do... It just seems that I always get myself into these situations, and I don't know how or why that happens.

I often wonder why these guys like me - enough to trust me with their true feelings. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining - I quite enjoy every second of this sport. "Straight" tough guys, questioning their views on sex with another guy - it can be very rewarding or even dangerous - and I'm still hoping that it will be the former for us.

He's the great outdoorsy type. He wants me to go camping with him. I half-joke and say we'll only need one sleeping bag because it's so cold. He nods in agreement...

I know I could take him to all those wonderful places that he's never been before - if he'd only let me.

Trust is earned...
Time will tell - I'm a patient man.

"Wherever Love is, I want to be.
I will follow it as surely as
the land-locked salmon finds the sea."

Bro-Spo's Hallowe'en Meme # 2...

JUST PLAYING ALONG... ;o)

Are you scared of bats?

I used to call them when I was a kid to scare the girls... I make a kind of high pitched whistle with my lips that they seem to want to investigate.

When you were a kid, did you go out on Mischief Night?

Yes, but we never lit a bag of shit on the porch and rang the doorbell...

We would go "tick-tacking" (throwing corn at people's windows).

What is your favorite trick-or-treat candy?

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Yes. Mischief ensued...

The most memorable costume you ever wore?

King Tut (1977) ...I won first prize at the disco for that one... I completely handmade the outfit myself... and the make-up was simply fabulous...

Do you carve a happy or a scary face on the pumpkin?

Scary, of course...

Will anyone wear a costume to work on October 31^st?

I'll be bringing mine along to change into at the appropriate time...

Any cooking or baking you do for Hallowe’en?

pumpkin cheesecake and butternut squash soup...

Have you ever been to The Haunted Mansion at Disneyland or

Disneyworld?

No. Haven't been there since 1985.

Any element of the season you don’t like?

People who want to change the "history" of the holiday...

What is your favorite scary movie?

I have to say there is a tie for that spot:

"Return of the Living Dead" for the kicks and music ...and
"Black Sabbath" (which scared the living daylights out of me when I was a youngster)...

Then of course there are all of those Vincent Price, Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi flicks... I still love them.

Do you cook the pumpkin seeds from your carved jack-o-lanterns?

I used to... maybe I will this year (if I get the time to carve one).

Are you intrigued with vampires?

Yes, absolutely. So sexy... Still into the Goth thing after all these years. I've still got a thing for Tim Curry in "Rocky Horror Picture Show".

Under Pressure

So now they're trying to push me out of my own house...

"Sign the paper."

I don't deal well with this type of pressure.
They say I'm holding up "progress". Progress for their relationship. I say, I've got a lot invested in this place. It was my future... They stole it from me.

...and on such short notice, I've got to have some time to plan what's ahead for me. Of course, they don't see it that way.

I'll go when I'm ready.
They can all kiss my ass...

Blerb

I was asked to write a bit about myself for the restaurant.
Here's what I came up with...

Having been involved in the restaurant industry for over 35 years, I've seen many changes come down the pike. Cooking has always been an essential part of my life since I can remember.

Appreciating the diversity of lifestyles and respecting the life experiences of individuals has also long been a determining factor in the creative process involved in my personal style of cooking.

Free-spirited and open-minded, my personal philosophy could probably best be defined as someone once observed, as being something like 'Beethovan mixed with a dose of Biker' - on a search for that perfect union of tastes with the freedom to experiment along the way - amalgamating something new and unique in a world that is fast becoming immutable.

Bon Appetit.

Midweek Quote:

"A human being should be able to
change a diaper,
plan an invasion,
butcher a hog,
conn a ship,
design a building,
write a sonnet,
balance accounts,
build a wall,
set a bone,
comfort the dying,
take orders,
give orders,
cooperate,
act alone,
solve equations,
analyze a new problem,
pitch manure,
program a computer,
cook a tasty meal,
fight efficiently,
die gallantly.

Specialization is for insects."

- Robert A. Heinlein

Pride GLV 2008: a personal note

I had the best time at Pride yesterday. I went with Butch & Woofer (of course).

Woofer fucking rocks. He wanted to make sure I was having a great time - so he kept trying to introduce me to people. I do fine on my own, usually... but he went out of his way to make sure I was "covered". I appreciate that so much. He's turned out to be an awesome friend.

We did have a run-in with the local religious kooks when we were leaving the actual Pride celebration, but Woofer handled that situation with grace and style. When the evangelical asshole told me I was going to burn in hell, I told him that I would see him there. He didn't cotton to that remark very well. The "silent witnesses" came to our rescue and escorted us out - shielding us from the religious idiots that were trying to prey on people leaving the Pride celebration.

Later, at the bar:
One of the people Woofer introduced me to was a young (27 year old) microbiologist. I actually told the kid that I had a Son older than him - but that seemed to make him more excited... This kid was pierced & gorgeous. He was falling all over me for some reason. (I guess he thought I was cool) He and his boyfriend were on the outs for about 3 months, and I had to reassure him that I thought he was beautiful. That was no problem at all, because he was. He kept rubbing all over me, and at this point - I was ready for action.

Of course, nothing really happened - but it felt so good to be wanted for a while. Finally his boyfriend Eddie came over, and I made it clear to Eddie that he should be grateful for what he had in - oh, let's call him Spanky.

Spanky just had a glow about him that was so refreshing to an old fart like me... so full of enthusiasm that it was bursting out all over. Finally, after about an hour of conversation that spanned the entire spectrum of modern gay history, they left together hand in hand and Spanky looked back at me and gave me a wink and a smile that made me feel like I had a purpose. It was a great feeling.

Woofer kidnapped me for a few dances throughout the evening - and we had a great time. He's a really good dancer, and I kept up with him just doing the "gay boogie"... I used to be famous for that back in the early 80s at Partner's Cafe when I'd spend practically the whole evening out on the dance floor. (I only lived a block away, on Edgewood Avenue... Right across the street from Yale University)

Those were the days. But these days are good now also...

Gotta go now - my Son just brought me over some shrimp scampi and linguini with a garden fresh salad for supper. MMM it's delicious....
It's so much better to be alive than dead.

Out Damn Spot...

I'm so glad that's out of my system... Now I can start CLEAN.

There's nothing like a clean slate - chalk is cheap...

Right Einstein?

(click the title of this post to make your own message)

Emotional Maturity At It's Finest

That's Right, Hit Where It Hurts.

Some people just have no compassion. That's how they run. Cold Cold Cold. I'm glad I'm not like that. I don't think I could live with myself.

Attack someone when he's down and out. That's the perfect time to strike with the venom. Vitriolic vomit spewing forth from your self-righteous poisonous pouting piehole. That's what I need right now. Right in the midst of waiting for test results from potentially life changing doctor & hospital visits.

Your little plan is working wonderfully well. Talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel - you're ten feet underneath it.

How considerate.

I hope you feel better now. I know I feel like shit.
Thanks.

Where's The Answer?

We still have this part to play
It seems like nothing's new,
But things are fresh in next day's dawn
All's different in morning dew.

Dark in the Light - logically mad
With chaotic order and success
Putting one foot forward then another
Never knowing Time arrives

'Til aproach upon the whim of it.
Often on again - then a pause
To smell a rose or graveyard must
Opting out, the choice not ours.

So hold them dear - until it's clear
No longer near - we feel the fear
Of onliness and loneliness
They are no longer here.

ॐकर्मॐ

I guess you have to hit the bottom of the fucking barrel every once in a while to really appreciate this wondrous life. You just can't let it keep you down. Don't let it overwhelm you for long...

I'm happy to report that things are coming around for this old Hippie. I'm actually crying as I'm writing this post - but they are tears of joy. That doesn't happen very often in my life - but it's happening right now.

No whining anymore - never thought I was a whiner, but looking back it looks like I came pretty close - just give 'em the old finger... ;o)

Excuse me while I enjoy it, and thank you all for having helped me out of this gloom. I'll get by with a little help from my friends...

शांति
इंद्रधनु राक्षस

i am nothing

i am nothing

i stare at nothing
for it makes no sense
why bother
i am confused

i used to be intelligent and sparkly
now i sleep, dark-eyed and sallow
tired..oh so tired......
sleep is my friend...
it holds me in its arms
and takes away the pain
for awhile.

i am invisible
even in the light
it is dark
for no one sees me
i am an outcast
with a mental illness
to be shunned and feared

no one wants me
i am alone
i am nothing
destined to live a life of drugs
and a broken heart

for i am nothing
and no one wants me
i am alone

in the darkness
in a prison

and the prison has nothing to do
with my home
it is in my mind
where jumbled thoughts and fears reside
afraid to be released

they cannot be seen, though, for i do not exist
i have been erased
and am invisible
to a world that sees but does not see
me and all the others

who view the world
with such angst
our thoughts and feelings
irrational
controlled ? with drugs and counsel

i talk to no one
for no one calls
and i do not call them

i am invisible
i do not exist
therefore cannot be reached
by anyone

should i even care
should i?

- Spectrum03

Heartbroken and Happy

Could it possibly be any more confusing?

Guess I'm a bit more affected than I thought I'd be by the "split"...

I find I'm a bit more emotional than usual. Tears start at the drop of a hat - for no reason sometimes. It's like someone died or something (heaven forbid). After all, I thought we were finally getting back together when I received an e-mail "date" from Butch, and we commenced with some awesome rough sex - probably one of the best sessions of our now defunct relationship, but as it turns out - it was only a goodbye fuck... What a bringdown.

Butch's new BF is awesome, let's call him Woofer. Woofer is a big muscular black bear and he's always touching and hugging me. I Love it. If I was a bitter queen, I'd steal Woofer away, but since we're both "pitchers"... I don't think that would work out very well. I'm not about to give up my position anytime soon - and I don't think he is either.

We went out to the club the other night and Butch and Woofer got pretty loaded. I ended up driving them home. While they were participating in the Karaoke competition, I stepped out for a breather, and met a guy named Sean who came on strong to me. I explained to him that I was also a 'topper' - so he immediately started pointing out "awesome bottoms" for me to choose from. It seemed we were instant "hunt brothers", and I was glad for the company. After a bit of that, he told me that two of his ex-lovers were in the bar on this particular night. He was upset and a bit inebriated. I listened to the rest of his story, and he wanted to know more about me, so...

I told him that I was there with my ex-lover and his new boyfriend and that it was a brand new relationship, and that we had attended a friend's birthday party earlier in the day, and decided to stop at the club on the way home. Butch and Woofer came out of the club, and I said, "Oh, there they are." and motioned for them to come over to meet Sean. They just walked away holding hands, as Woofer turned and winked at me - so Sean and I talked a few more minutes.

He sensed I was a bit down about it, and wanted to stir up some trouble at that point. I thought I succeeded in calming him down a bit. He went back inside and I continued to stand out by the lake enjoying the moonlight. I went back inside to the upstairs bar where dancing and heavy cruising were in vogue.

I stepped out again later, and I saw Sean with someone in tow. I said goodnight, and the other one started talking to me - asking which one was my ex. When I told him, he went on about how terrible Butch was - and that I should drive away and leave them there. He'd said he knew Butch from the bar and that he'd been with him a few times before. This blew my mind because I hadn't mentioned my ex's name - but this guy knew it! I thought to myself no wonder Butch never wanted to go there with me before - this was his playground!

I've found that one can learn a lot from a simple night out... Maybe it's time for me to start going out again...

Substitution Tag Team

I knew I should have taken a break for a while...

Treated myself to something new...

Or gone off on that trip with Fucker for a few weeks - but I decided to go on looking for a job. Still no luck. It would have been too easy to run away from all the responsibilities...

Fucker's gone ramble camping in his new camper, so I won't be seeing him anytime soon. What I will be seeing though, is Butch's new boyfriend, coming out of the bedroom that Butch & I used to share - until last week - I moved down the hall. I feel like last week's garbage.

It's a bit hard, and I can handle it (I think) but it still hurts nonetheless. It's good to see him happy again - and it brings back memories of when we first got together. The worst part is the "exclusiveness". The new guy is pretty fucking gorgeous too. I can see now why Butch wanted to leave me on the sidelines - drop me like a hot potato. I hope he's got what he wants now. We all get along just fine (so far) and it is very interesting to say the least. I hope they won't mind if I bring someone home to stay one night or...

I'm always up for a new adventure. Something's brewing, I can feel it.

I can't say I'm young yet - but I will get over it.
Wish me Luck...

Fucker's Firs: The Healing Process Begins

There's a post - way down deep inside that's been trying to claw it's way out for the past week. I haven't been able to set it free yet - so maybe I'll try writing 'about' the way I feel about it. People say that in the telling of an importunate episode - it makes one feel better, and I imagine that to be true in most instances. However, I can't imagine "feeling better" at this point...

Late last evening I watched the nearly full moon through the beautiful fir trees at Fucker's House. It gave me an inexplicable feeling that touched my soul - kind of like contentment or the reassuring knowledge that everything was going to be alright.

He was kind enough to take me in and listen to my woeful ballad - and offered me some great advice and solace - what a wonderful friend I've gained from all this. I couldn't imagine anyone hurting this gorgeous man - it seemed unthinkable to me. He's been through the dishonesty and despair of a shattered relationship - and from the way he relays it, seems like it's still a very real and relevant part of his life. I could still see the hurt in his eyes as he told me - years afterward - of the betrayal of trust by his lover.

I did the same... revealing all to him about my life - standing naked before him as he did for me. We held on to each other in the glistening moonlight - two old souls in a sea of new instance - and he made me feel so secure, as I haven't - for too long now. We were a perfect match for the timing...

The disparaging feelings of loss, failing a relationship and insufficiency might be something that not everyone can overcome, but goddam it I'm going to try. I have to get over this. I refuse to let it poison me or what I believe in...

I suppose I knew Butch and I were done a few years back, but reluctant to address the issue, I went on as if there was none. This is wrong. If you should find yourself in a situation like this - fight it with every weapon in the arsenal you can muster up. Don't let it go on unaddressed. Unless you want to face the unscrupulous results.

Instead, I attempted meagerly to throw hints about in order to start a discussion - but they always fell on deaf ears - without result. I should have taken and shaken the truth out of him, demanded that he talk to me - but I've always been of the mind: open to discourse if you feel like engaging me. That doesn't always work - a thing I've learned in hindsight, unfortunately.

Then, of course I tried to hit him with the same force that he dealt me: I went out and found someone like he did. I knew from the start that this could never have worked - it was always Butch that I wanted. Still, I found a kindred soul in Fucker - and one very good friend in the process. I'm thankful and blessed for that.

Seems we always know better after the fact...

"EVERGREEN" - The Black Crowes

A song ease your lonely
Let my words take your hand
Let me kiss your rose pedals for you and golden van
Let me point out the birds that fly only for you
And I will do anything that you want me to

Evergreen, evergreen, prettiest thing I'd ever seen
Come and steer away with me by the moonlight

When playing my garden come and dance in my rain
Come make love in the sunshine
Come lets share our pain
Come fly thru this darkness
To be right by my side
And lets walk right thru the door
Just to see whats inside

Evergreen, evergreen, prettiest thing I'd ever seen
Come and steer away with me by the moonlight

Show me the way
With the words that you say
With the light of love
And the light of your love

Evergreen, evergreen, prettiest thing I'd ever seen
Come and steer away with me by the moonlight

You Never Wanted Me

Lyrics | You Never Wanted Me lyrics

I can't find the above song so here's
Another that says what it must... "Farewell, Farewell"

Written by Richard Thompson to the tune of Willie O' Winsbury. The voice is Sandy Denny. From the Fairport's "Liege & Lief" album 1969.

Lyrics:

Farewell, farewell to you who would hear
You lonely travellers all
The cold north winds will blow again
The winding road does call.

And you will never return to see
Your bruised and beaten sons
O I would,I would if welcome I were
For they loathe me every one.

And will you never cut the cloth
Or drink the light to be
And can you never swear a year
To anyone but we.

No I will never cut the cloth
Nor drink the light to be
But I'll swear a year to the one who lies
Asleep alongside of me

I Died A Bit Inside Today...

The End - A Beginning... Remember and Forget. Love and be lonely.

Endymion

THE RISING moon has hid the stars;

Her level rays, like golden bars,

Lie on the landscape green,

With shadows brown between.

And silver white the river gleams,

As if Diana, in her dreams,

Had dropt her silver bow

Upon the meadows low.

On such a tranquil night as this,

She woke Endymion with a kiss,

When, sleeping in the grove,

He dreamed not of her love.

Like Dian's kiss, unasked, unsought,

Love gives itself, but is not bought;

Nor voice, nor sound betrays

Its deep, impassioned gaze.

It comes, - the beautiful, the free,

The crown of all humanity, -

In silence and alone

To seek the elected one.

It lifts the boughs, whose shadows deep

Are Life's oblivion, the soul's sleep,

And kisses the closed eyes

Of him who slumbering lies.

O weary hearts! O slumbering eyes!

O drooping souls, whose destinies

Are fraught with fear and pain,

Ye shall be loved again!

No one is so accursed by fate,

No one so utterly desolate,

But some heart, though unknown,

Responds unto his own.

Responds, - as if with unseen wings,

An angel touched its quivering strings;

And whispers, in its song,

    "Where hast thou stayed so long?"

(Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)