Wednesday, November 28, 2007

No Fault - No Blame

There is yet another dimension to everyday life - as it seems to be almost universally accepted by most People who are in relationships. I can't abide by the norm...

I have a lover with whom I have pledged to spend my life. At the time, it was the best thing that could have happened - I suppose we both had different thoughts about the ways we could enrich each other by spending our time together.

This relationship has evolved into static kinship which I am blessed by experiencing - but does not hold all that I need. I know he feels this too. Problem is, he won't admit it to me. I've waited years for it to pass, but I suppose it really is true what they say about the first love of your life...

I need to experience the passionate transcendence, the mystery and vibrant vitality of being alive. As the years grow shorter with every breath, I can't wait anymore - wishing it was - I need to do it now, before it's too late and I have to say - this or that could have been...

Open relationships never seem to work out - someone always loses or is hurt. I couldn't bear to hurt him, even though I know about his secret. I love him too much to do that, regardless. If it makes him happy, so mote it be. As it happened by chance or fate or destiny if you happen to believe in that sort of thing - it now seems that I have a secret too... I never expected it to come to this, but I can't ignore my life away either...

I am not now, nor have I ever been a spiteful or hateful person. I am simply a human that has needs like everyone else does. I'm so tired of turning off emotions that it has built itself into this. Like a dam that fills with too much water - the water of my war between intellect & sensibilities is spilling out over its boundary. And there is someone who wants and needs that water, as much as I must release it. I am also his release - and will take what he offers in return.

...and so I have been blessed...
I have to see it this way.
There is no other alternative.


sorrow11 said...

My sweet Rainbow, How I ached reading your words.
Love is such a intoxicating poison. There are so many different kinds of love, so many ways to fall and so many ways to fly.
Be true to your convictions, be true to your code. I heard some where that the truth doesn't hurt unless it's suppose to, I think that applies to Love as well. The candle still burns in my window and I whisper your name as I light it.

Aloysius said...

Thank you, Dear Sister.

I knew your insight would help me on my path, and the waxwick you light for me brightens that path.

My code is and always will be:
"An it harm none, do as you will.
An it cause harm, do as you must."

Therein lies my dilemma.

Just to have been able to write the words for a trusted one's eyes has brought so much relief to a tortured soul. I'm sure you know what I mean...

Blessed Be, Dear One

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