I'll Never Be Him

I'm sitting here, dysphoric - the worst feeling I've ever had in my life...
I feel like I can never be good enough... I don't know what you want. Maybe I never did...
When we first met, I thought we could conquer the world. Such hope & dreams.
Now it seems you don't want me to be part of that world.

I'll never do anything right in your eyes...
I don't know why that is, but I'm so tired of trying to figure it out.
I can't do it anymore. I've done all I can.

I know you're not happy with me. I've known that for years.
I'll never be Him - I can't be, I'm me.
I thought you loved me. It's what you said. Was I so wrong to believe it?
Maybe for a little while you did actually love me - or was that just my bad...

It's a hard thing, knowing that someone you love can't accept you for who you are.
Someone who says he cares, but won't support you in anything you try to do.
The funny thing is, I gave up everything I had - to be with you - I have nothing now.

I don't really care about all that, but I still care about you...
When you hide behind your newspaper shield - I'm crying there on the other side.
Right across the coffeetable from you...You don't know that do you?
You've never taken the time to feel it.

Maybe you do know it. Maybe that's what you want.
Maybe you feel like you're trapped - with me - when you want someone else.
It's all my fault... I don't know... You've stopped confiding in me long ago...

I can't make it better because I don't know what's wrong - or how to fix it - or even if it can be.
Such a bitter coldness in your eyes.
I can only feel the rancorous pain of rejection and loneliness ...and what makes it worse is I don't even know the reason why.
I only know what I feel... That coldness & disdain - the worst thing I've ever felt.

When you push me away, it's the most deleterious action you could ever take with me.
Then you ask me what's wrong, and when I manage to muster the words, you won't listen to what I have to say.
It's a mother mindfucker.
I finally give up - You've won whatever it was that you wanted...

I have to move on...