Friday, November 30, 2007

From All Directions - Nothing

You were so right about the darkness, Sis.
It's so dark in here no light can penetrate.
Thanks for trying to turn on a light, though...

OK, I get the message, Fucker. There is no message... Still I hope that all is well with you... I might be a bit thick-headed, but I know that my heart belongs with you, not him. He threw it back at me long ago. You'd think I'd know better than this by now at my age. ...a trusting idiot, too old to learn new tricks at this point, I suppose. Trying to rationalize never works when you compromise mystic reverence.

No matter how good it sounds at the time, never mix your feelings with fantasy while playing a role. Even when you can't know you're playing. Don't let that silly imagination run away with you.

I think I'll have a good laugh now.
no job - no life - no love... sweet. Strike 3.
Seems like I never deserved those things anyway...

Just in time for the holidaze... Nothingness.
What once was - is now not...

Hurt comes in different sized packages.
Small ones can sometimes damage worse that the so-called big ones, but it all boils down to the same disillusion. People change - situations change - hell, the whole world is changing... Ice is falling off the Arctic Shelves directly on what was once my heart.
So why do I remain the same?
Fool - that's all.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Strike - A Note Of Compassion

I've lit the Winter Fire this day.
To drive the cold away.
Wishing You were here with Me to feel it's warmth.
It never seems to fail - how Life goes the way it wants - Leaving Us here alone.

I know you've gone to bed.
I've missed you yet again...
Your message is burning brightly on the IM... the only light is monitor. I wish I was there to make you laugh - I love to hear the sound of your laughter - like a warm running brook. But alas...

Another bad day at the office.
More firings, jobs depleted, more tears...
It's not your fault, Fucker. They put you in that position. They laugh at the people that you must axe ... It's a snapshot of Corporate American indifference & tyranny.

I empathize with you, Fucker. Wish I was there to hold & comfort you - to lick away those salty tears. Sides will settle soon. You will have the job back that you enjoy, not the things CEO's make you do. Maybe then they will personally feel what they have wrought on the Others.

The candle burns downstairs.
Fusing our foremost cares.
I'm sorry - feeling frustrated - but that never does any good.
Wish I could, but I can't be there - only in Spirit with You, Fucker.
One Day... Please make it soon?

  • From This Side

I've decided not to go back to this new job. I was unconsciously starting to revert to old ways again by being there. I caught myself last night. I didn't like what I saw. So...

I don't know whatever possessed me to think I could work for a Corporation after all these years. I suppose it was lack of employment opportunities. This so called "job market" really bites. They want too much for too little, and it would seem they're the only game in town presently.

Sleep well, Fucker... Tomorrow's another DAY.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

No Fault - No Blame

There is yet another dimension to everyday life - as it seems to be almost universally accepted by most People who are in relationships. I can't abide by the norm...

I have a lover with whom I have pledged to spend my life. At the time, it was the best thing that could have happened - I suppose we both had different thoughts about the ways we could enrich each other by spending our time together.

This relationship has evolved into static kinship which I am blessed by experiencing - but does not hold all that I need. I know he feels this too. Problem is, he won't admit it to me. I've waited years for it to pass, but I suppose it really is true what they say about the first love of your life...

I need to experience the passionate transcendence, the mystery and vibrant vitality of being alive. As the years grow shorter with every breath, I can't wait anymore - wishing it was - I need to do it now, before it's too late and I have to say - this or that could have been...

Open relationships never seem to work out - someone always loses or is hurt. I couldn't bear to hurt him, even though I know about his secret. I love him too much to do that, regardless. If it makes him happy, so mote it be. As it happened by chance or fate or destiny if you happen to believe in that sort of thing - it now seems that I have a secret too... I never expected it to come to this, but I can't ignore my life away either...

I am not now, nor have I ever been a spiteful or hateful person. I am simply a human that has needs like everyone else does. I'm so tired of turning off emotions that it has built itself into this. Like a dam that fills with too much water - the water of my war between intellect & sensibilities is spilling out over its boundary. And there is someone who wants and needs that water, as much as I must release it. I am also his release - and will take what he offers in return.

...and so I have been blessed...
I have to see it this way.
There is no other alternative.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

In A Mood...

I'm numb today. I miss you so badly I can almost taste your sweetness. Life's little dramas play out while the biggest one is looming out of reach it seems.

I think of you most every minute, my sweet one.
You've shown me what it really means to be loved.
I wish I could just hear your beautiful voice in my ear... No - that would be worse than torture... Then I would crave you more than I do now - if that's even humanly possible.

To feel your warmth again has become the passion that drives me onward - always with such intensity it scares me.

Be Well, My Love. Know I am thinking of you ever after. I miss you more than time allows...

Saturday, November 10, 2007

First Onion

I couldn't stay with you to enjoy the onion snow. The snow was clinging to the trees. The beauty and majesty of the first snowfall always is the best.

Making passionate love with you - next to a blazing fire on the sheepskins, your grey gotee shimmering in the firelight and that intensely limerent look in your eyes - will be forever in my most cherished memories...

Damn the telephones... and the rest that take precedence. I felt dispirited having had to leave you there alone. I was already missing you as I walked out the front door.

The roads weren't icy, and I thought of you throughout the 100 mile trek back - to be here by midnight - or turn into a pumpkin. The snow kept falling, as I drove into it, like traveling through the stars at light speed...

I would have liked nothing better than to have been waking up in your bed - with you cuddled next to me. After morning loving, getting up and having our first cup of coffee together - watching the daylight reveal the glistening snow and romping through it with you...

I'd tackle you and then...

Have you ever made love in the snow, Fucker?
I never have, but I would love that with you.
Sometime soon we'll spend the whole night through, I promise and I hope with all my heart. It's all I can do right now... Hope.

Please be patient with me.

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