i am nothing

i am nothing

i stare at nothing
for it makes no sense
why bother
i am confused

i used to be intelligent and sparkly
now i sleep, dark-eyed and sallow
tired..oh so tired......
sleep is my friend...
it holds me in its arms
and takes away the pain
for awhile.

i am invisible
even in the light
it is dark
for no one sees me
i am an outcast
with a mental illness
to be shunned and feared

no one wants me
i am alone
i am nothing
destined to live a life of drugs
and a broken heart

for i am nothing
and no one wants me
i am alone

in the darkness
in a prison

and the prison has nothing to do
with my home
it is in my mind
where jumbled thoughts and fears reside
afraid to be released

they cannot be seen, though, for i do not exist
i have been erased
and am invisible
to a world that sees but does not see
me and all the others

who view the world
with such angst
our thoughts and feelings
irrational
controlled ? with drugs and counsel

i talk to no one
for no one calls
and i do not call them

i am invisible
i do not exist
therefore cannot be reached
by anyone

should i even care
should i?

- Spectrum03

Heartbroken and Happy

Could it possibly be any more confusing?

Guess I'm a bit more affected than I thought I'd be by the "split"...

I find I'm a bit more emotional than usual. Tears start at the drop of a hat - for no reason sometimes. It's like someone died or something (heaven forbid). After all, I thought we were finally getting back together when I received an e-mail "date" from Butch, and we commenced with some awesome rough sex - probably one of the best sessions of our now defunct relationship, but as it turns out - it was only a goodbye fuck... What a bringdown.

Butch's new BF is awesome, let's call him Woofer. Woofer is a big muscular black bear and he's always touching and hugging me. I Love it. If I was a bitter queen, I'd steal Woofer away, but since we're both "pitchers"... I don't think that would work out very well. I'm not about to give up my position anytime soon - and I don't think he is either.

We went out to the club the other night and Butch and Woofer got pretty loaded. I ended up driving them home. While they were participating in the Karaoke competition, I stepped out for a breather, and met a guy named Sean who came on strong to me. I explained to him that I was also a 'topper' - so he immediately started pointing out "awesome bottoms" for me to choose from. It seemed we were instant "hunt brothers", and I was glad for the company. After a bit of that, he told me that two of his ex-lovers were in the bar on this particular night. He was upset and a bit inebriated. I listened to the rest of his story, and he wanted to know more about me, so...

I told him that I was there with my ex-lover and his new boyfriend and that it was a brand new relationship, and that we had attended a friend's birthday party earlier in the day, and decided to stop at the club on the way home. Butch and Woofer came out of the club, and I said, "Oh, there they are." and motioned for them to come over to meet Sean. They just walked away holding hands, as Woofer turned and winked at me - so Sean and I talked a few more minutes.

He sensed I was a bit down about it, and wanted to stir up some trouble at that point. I thought I succeeded in calming him down a bit. He went back inside and I continued to stand out by the lake enjoying the moonlight. I went back inside to the upstairs bar where dancing and heavy cruising were in vogue.

I stepped out again later, and I saw Sean with someone in tow. I said goodnight, and the other one started talking to me - asking which one was my ex. When I told him, he went on about how terrible Butch was - and that I should drive away and leave them there. He'd said he knew Butch from the bar and that he'd been with him a few times before. This blew my mind because I hadn't mentioned my ex's name - but this guy knew it! I thought to myself no wonder Butch never wanted to go there with me before - this was his playground!

I've found that one can learn a lot from a simple night out... Maybe it's time for me to start going out again...

Substitution Tag Team

I knew I should have taken a break for a while...

Treated myself to something new...

Or gone off on that trip with Fucker for a few weeks - but I decided to go on looking for a job. Still no luck. It would have been too easy to run away from all the responsibilities...

Fucker's gone ramble camping in his new camper, so I won't be seeing him anytime soon. What I will be seeing though, is Butch's new boyfriend, coming out of the bedroom that Butch & I used to share - until last week - I moved down the hall. I feel like last week's garbage.

It's a bit hard, and I can handle it (I think) but it still hurts nonetheless. It's good to see him happy again - and it brings back memories of when we first got together. The worst part is the "exclusiveness". The new guy is pretty fucking gorgeous too. I can see now why Butch wanted to leave me on the sidelines - drop me like a hot potato. I hope he's got what he wants now. We all get along just fine (so far) and it is very interesting to say the least. I hope they won't mind if I bring someone home to stay one night or...

I'm always up for a new adventure. Something's brewing, I can feel it.

I can't say I'm young yet - but I will get over it.
Wish me Luck...

Fucker's Firs: The Healing Process Begins

There's a post - way down deep inside that's been trying to claw it's way out for the past week. I haven't been able to set it free yet - so maybe I'll try writing 'about' the way I feel about it. People say that in the telling of an importunate episode - it makes one feel better, and I imagine that to be true in most instances. However, I can't imagine "feeling better" at this point...

Late last evening I watched the nearly full moon through the beautiful fir trees at Fucker's House. It gave me an inexplicable feeling that touched my soul - kind of like contentment or the reassuring knowledge that everything was going to be alright.

He was kind enough to take me in and listen to my woeful ballad - and offered me some great advice and solace - what a wonderful friend I've gained from all this. I couldn't imagine anyone hurting this gorgeous man - it seemed unthinkable to me. He's been through the dishonesty and despair of a shattered relationship - and from the way he relays it, seems like it's still a very real and relevant part of his life. I could still see the hurt in his eyes as he told me - years afterward - of the betrayal of trust by his lover.

I did the same... revealing all to him about my life - standing naked before him as he did for me. We held on to each other in the glistening moonlight - two old souls in a sea of new instance - and he made me feel so secure, as I haven't - for too long now. We were a perfect match for the timing...

The disparaging feelings of loss, failing a relationship and insufficiency might be something that not everyone can overcome, but goddam it I'm going to try. I have to get over this. I refuse to let it poison me or what I believe in...

I suppose I knew Butch and I were done a few years back, but reluctant to address the issue, I went on as if there was none. This is wrong. If you should find yourself in a situation like this - fight it with every weapon in the arsenal you can muster up. Don't let it go on unaddressed. Unless you want to face the unscrupulous results.

Instead, I attempted meagerly to throw hints about in order to start a discussion - but they always fell on deaf ears - without result. I should have taken and shaken the truth out of him, demanded that he talk to me - but I've always been of the mind: open to discourse if you feel like engaging me. That doesn't always work - a thing I've learned in hindsight, unfortunately.

Then, of course I tried to hit him with the same force that he dealt me: I went out and found someone like he did. I knew from the start that this could never have worked - it was always Butch that I wanted. Still, I found a kindred soul in Fucker - and one very good friend in the process. I'm thankful and blessed for that.

Seems we always know better after the fact...

"EVERGREEN" - The Black Crowes

A song ease your lonely
Let my words take your hand
Let me kiss your rose pedals for you and golden van
Let me point out the birds that fly only for you
And I will do anything that you want me to

Evergreen, evergreen, prettiest thing I'd ever seen
Come and steer away with me by the moonlight

When playing my garden come and dance in my rain
Come make love in the sunshine
Come lets share our pain
Come fly thru this darkness
To be right by my side
And lets walk right thru the door
Just to see whats inside

Evergreen, evergreen, prettiest thing I'd ever seen
Come and steer away with me by the moonlight

Show me the way
With the words that you say
With the light of love
And the light of your love

Evergreen, evergreen, prettiest thing I'd ever seen
Come and steer away with me by the moonlight

You Never Wanted Me

Lyrics | You Never Wanted Me lyrics

I can't find the above song so here's
Another that says what it must... "Farewell, Farewell"

Written by Richard Thompson to the tune of Willie O' Winsbury. The voice is Sandy Denny. From the Fairport's "Liege & Lief" album 1969.

Lyrics:

Farewell, farewell to you who would hear
You lonely travellers all
The cold north winds will blow again
The winding road does call.

And you will never return to see
Your bruised and beaten sons
O I would,I would if welcome I were
For they loathe me every one.

And will you never cut the cloth
Or drink the light to be
And can you never swear a year
To anyone but we.

No I will never cut the cloth
Nor drink the light to be
But I'll swear a year to the one who lies
Asleep alongside of me

I Died A Bit Inside Today...

The End - A Beginning... Remember and Forget. Love and be lonely.

Endymion

THE RISING moon has hid the stars;

Her level rays, like golden bars,

Lie on the landscape green,

With shadows brown between.

And silver white the river gleams,

As if Diana, in her dreams,

Had dropt her silver bow

Upon the meadows low.

On such a tranquil night as this,

She woke Endymion with a kiss,

When, sleeping in the grove,

He dreamed not of her love.

Like Dian's kiss, unasked, unsought,

Love gives itself, but is not bought;

Nor voice, nor sound betrays

Its deep, impassioned gaze.

It comes, - the beautiful, the free,

The crown of all humanity, -

In silence and alone

To seek the elected one.

It lifts the boughs, whose shadows deep

Are Life's oblivion, the soul's sleep,

And kisses the closed eyes

Of him who slumbering lies.

O weary hearts! O slumbering eyes!

O drooping souls, whose destinies

Are fraught with fear and pain,

Ye shall be loved again!

No one is so accursed by fate,

No one so utterly desolate,

But some heart, though unknown,

Responds unto his own.

Responds, - as if with unseen wings,

An angel touched its quivering strings;

And whispers, in its song,

    "Where hast thou stayed so long?"

(Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)

At The Station

I didn't get to see the Dalai Lama at work today, but I felt a cool sense of calm throughout the day.
I would have loved to catch a glimpse of him, and had I known - I would have stayed a bit longer. I had to meet my Step Mom for lunch, and that was cool. Maybe I'll see him sometime this weekend.

I usually put a post about the radio show over at =CoffeeHouseStudio=, but I thought I'd try one here today. Here goes...

Another absolutely fabulous morning... but a bit hot this afternoon. Oh well, it is June after all.

I exhibited a great amount of restraint this morning, not mentioning the passing of FISA by our fantasic and illustrious Senate - over the airwaves - in fact I steered clear of any and all things political (except for some tunes) but generally speaking one of the 7 words will slip out when I'm giving a passionate speech - so I decided not to give the speech... smooth sailing.

Hoping to catch a view of the Dalai Lama, I went outside and 'snuck' a cigarette during "Reformation Blues"; a copy of which Adrian Shaw (bass) had sent me (he is an ex-bass player of Hawkwind) from a release (Acid Jam 2000) on his record label: Woronzow Records. I must say thank you again, Ade for all the cool tunes - including your solo CDs and The Bevis Frond CDs.

Also got a phone call at the station about cussing... I didn't, but the listener swears that Grace Slick does on "The Son Of Jesus"... I never heard it, and it's not listed in the lyrics. I know that Gracie uses the fabulous "fuck" word from time to time, and we are careful of what we play on air - so I politely disagreed with the caller.

...and now the List:

"SPONTANEOUS APPLE CREATION" - CRAZY WORLD OF ARTHUR BROWN

"THE TELL-TALE HEART" - ALAN PARSONS PROJECT

"BROKEN WINGS" - ATOMIC ROOSTER

"TURN TO DUST" - ANDROMEDA

(*)"HOMICIDE" - 999

"GOOD DAY" - NEKTAR

"FUNK #48" - THE JAMES GANG

"ONE WAY OUT" - ALLMAN BROTHERS (LIVE)

"REFORMATION BLUES" - NICK SALOMAN / ADRIAN SHAW

"HIGH RISE" - HAWKWIND

"LADIES OF THE ROAD" - KING CRIMSON

"FAITH HEALER" - SENSATIONAL ALEX HARVEY BAND

"THERE'S A MAN" - INCREDIBLE HOG

"GOIN' DOWN (FOR THE THIRD TIME)" - STARS

(*)"OF THEE I SING" - LEON RUSSELL

(*)"GIMME SHELTER" - MERRY CLAYTON

"SOUL SURVIVOR / SISTER MORPHINE" - THE ROLLING STONES

"A GALLON OF GAS" - THE KINKS (LIVE)

"VENUS" - THE SHOCKING BLUE (LIVE)

"BACK TO THE FARM" - KINGDOM

(*)"I'M THE SLIME" - FRANK ZAPPA

(*)"MASTERS OF WAR" - BOB DYLAN

"WHISKEY WOMAN" - JUKIN' BONE

"THE SON OF JESUS" - JEFFERSON AIRPLANE

"I WANT TO SEE ANOTHER WORLD" - JEFFERSON STARSHIP

"FUNKY #7" - HOT TUNA

"HEARTBEAT" - HUMBLE PIE

"IF I COULD FLY" - AZTERIX

"RIDE IN THE SKY / TOXIC SHADOWS" - LUCIFER'S FRIEND

"NATURAL SCIENCE" - RUSH (LIVE)

...THERE IT IS. ANOTHER EDITION OF SPAC
(*) denotes request / dedication


PEACE
ॐ Jimi The Hippie ॐ

Jimi: Still Releasing... after all these years

The recently discovered Jimi Hendrix XXX tape is finally ready to legally hit the streets.

Execs at porno distrib Vivid Video say the Purple Haze icon's estate has failed to prove the film is a phony.

Vivid offered a $100,000 offer to Jimi's estate, Experience Hendrix LLC, if they could prove within sixty days that the archival sex tape was fake.

"We always knew it was real," Vivid's Steven Hirsch told The New York Daily News.

The film graphically depicts Jimi gettin' down and dirty with recognizable super-groupies Pamela Des Barres and Cynthia Albritton.

Albritton, who had made a plaster casts of Jimi's phallus - as well as other famed rockers 'thangs'- attested to the footage's authenticity.

Oddly enough, Albritton is also getting a cut of the royalties from the DVD despite the fact she doesn't remember experiencing it.

Must have been the mind blowing milieu of the 1960s counter culture drug scene.

Silence Is Golden... Sometimes

It's awfully quiet around these parts lately...

The old man's off to Philadelphia, left yesterday for a go-round of Jury Duty in the Federal Court. Sounds important, doesn't it? I've been getting updates all day. They haven't gotten to him yet. Maybe another overnight in the City of Brotherly Love for him. We only live about 80 miles away from Philadelphia... WTF? I hope they're paying for the gas - and not the usual 8¢ a damn mile.

I know, I know - you're supposed to do your duty in a democratic society... but damn that's a bit far to travel. Last time I was up for Jury Duty - I said it would be financially impossible for me to serve - because it would have been. If I was chosen and had to stay for a case, I probably wouldn't have had a job when I returned to work. I know they aren't allowed to do that - but this is the restaurant business we're talking about here. Lots of shady things go on in the restaurant...

I'm blasting the stereo right now. Mott The Hoople is kranking... Yes, Silence Is Golden - except when it's lonely...

Food Trivia Quiz...

1) The following all took place during the same year. Can you guess the year?
· Kellogg introduced Pop-Tarts toaster pastries.
· General Mills introduced Lucky Charms cereal.
· The French dairy cooperatives introduced Yoplait Yogurt in France.
· Maxim freeze dried instant coffee is introduced by General Foods.
· The U.S. government defines Bourbon as whiskey with at least 51% corn liquor and aged in new charred-oak barrels.
· Rocky Aoki opens his first Benihana of Tokyo restaurant in New York.
· The first Arby's restaurant is opened.

2) What percentage of the total world fish catch is caught in the northern hemisphere?
a) 10%
b) 30%
c) 60%
d) 90%

3) What connection does Peter Cooper, inventor and founder of the Cooper Union for the Advancement of Science and Art, and Pearl B. Wait cough syrup manufacturer, have to a popular American dessert?

4) Why does peanut butter stick to the roof of your mouth?

5) How many poppy seeds are in a pound?

6) What country has more varieties of crabs than anywhere else in the world?
a) China
b) Japan
c) United States
d) Mexico
e) Norway

7) What herb is used in the production of imitation maple syrup, rum and butterscotch flavors?

...and remember:
"He that lives upon Hope, dies farting."
Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) Poor Richard's Almanac


(answers in comments)

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the other half were cooking"
I'll just let it say what it needs to...

Jockohomo has the Lost Beatles Interview up.
Thanks J...