30 Years of wasted time???
or just life happening at super warp speed...
This drawing was done after midnight at the beginning of a new year 31 years ago. "Rediscovered" again after looking through the box of attic things from my Grandmother's house... there are many more, but we have to start somewhere - looking for the hidden imagery in everyday life...
"Imaginary Lovers" (1977)
I was trying to make a new start after a life of unfortunate decisions, and had moved back to Connecticut for another short time... Gypsy that I was, sex & spirituality was an open book. (much like now)
These times were full of Sex Drugs and Rock & Roll Soul for me...
I've never attempted the painting, but I think it's time may have just arrived.
Monday, December 31, 2007
30 Years of wasted time???
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
...All in all, a truly strange holiday for me.
Fighting interspersed with comedy, tender moments and passion - what a strange rollercoaster of a holiday.
Fighting with me all the way to the party (about an hour's ride), my guy made it plain that there were to be no Christmas Goodies for me this year. Horny as I was, I sobbed silently and bucked up, accepting the fact that it would be a sexless holiday season for me... all I did was think about You, Fucker. I wish I was with YOU NOW...
I guess I was a naughty boy this year Santa, but I tried to be good... That's probably why I didn't get anything for Christmas, why... I even had to buy my own damned coal.
On to the Christmas Eve party - where one of the hosts asked me to help him hook up his DVD player (he actually wanted me to hook up something else for him, but me... being the proverbial nice guy: I really thought that he wanted to watch his new movies) it turned into a bit of a half naked wrestling match between us in his bedroom - our partners downstairs with not a clue... I guess he made it plain that he wanted me secretly.
Every time he brushed past me his hands were on some part of me feeling me up - the other party patrons seemingly unaware - and when he was across the room, that seductive look and leering eyes on me - winking.
He got close and whispered, "Damn you smell good." I laughed. I thought he was just flirting. I should have known.
I leaned over to take a look at the wiring for the DVD player and TV when he threw me down on his bed before I knew what was happening, and had me pantless like a pro. (I wear tight 501 jeans, and if you know how to do them right, well let's just say that there is hardly a wait to be totally in the buff.) He told me he hadn't had sex with his partner in 3 years as he ravaged me ravenously. I still have the marks.
I tried to protest, but it was just so damned unexpected - It's hard to move with your pants tight around your ankles - between the sucking and licking, I finally regained my composure before anything really serious happened and after I talked some sense into him.
We rejoined the party, me a bit flushed, none the worse for wear and no one else the wiser... but he - still with that lecherous look. A bit scary, but all in all kind of flattering, given the circumstances.
It should be interesting this weekend for the New Year's Eve party, anyway... (it's at the same place) I'll be on guard. (and wearing a belt this time)
Went to see my Step-Mom in the morning, and my Brother & his Family were there. It was good. Butch & I had coffee, exchanged presents and then we excused ourselves to go to the hospital to visit his Mom.
Being low on funds this year, I offered to do her nails and give her a facial. I remember my Mom used to love that when she was in hospital, so I offered. I forgot to bring cotton balls with me, so I asked one of the nurses for some gauze. She was totally supportive of the idea, and so enthusiastic that she had gathered a gaggle of her co-workers to watch the fuzzy bearded Hippy give the Mother-In-Law a much needed Christmas nail treatment. Much laughter ensued. We never got to the facial, so I promised to do that the next visit. She's in for surgery tomorrow, which hopefully will go without unforeseen incident, and I'll go ahead and do the facial this weekend. That should be a hoot!...
When we got home, I made some hot chocolate, tended the fire, took the dog for a walk and then settled back in the chair to watch The Pirates. Then, later last evening I was kidnapped... and made to walk the plank.
I hope everyone's Holidays are bright.
Happy Boxing Day.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
Farewell, Darkness, you've served us well
You've brought peace and calmness with your spell
You've helped us regroup and regenerate, too
And for those reasons we honor you
The time has come, though, to say goodbye
Farewell, Darkness! Go now! Fly!
- Dorothy Morrison
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
in 2 parts...
My New Year's resolution for 1983-84 was to do paintings of some of the sketches I had drawn over the years. I had been thinking about it for many moons - then a very negative incident finally compelled me to move forward with the project...
Friday December 23, 1983 near midnight:
Walking home 7 miles in 5 inches of snow after a 10 hour shift at the restaurant, I saw her car parked on the street... I opened the front door of the house - kicked off my boots - opened the fridge got a beer and walked into the bedroom only to find my then girlfriend in my bed with another guy. She was supposed to have picked me up from work. I couldn't reach her on the phone, and I was worried that something had happened. Well, indeed that was confirmed... although it was not what I had expected.
I didn't say a word. I closed the door, finished my beer in one huge gulp - put my boots back on, amidst the din of their voices and walked another shivering mile downtown to Sherman Avenue and my best friend's house where I proceeded to break down uncontrollably. He tried with little success to console me. I sat outside in the snow for what seemed to be hours. I just didn't care. He finally convinced me to come in for Hot Chocolate and a 'nipper' of Christian Brothers.
It was now Saturday December 24, 1983 - Christmas Eve...
I went back to my house later that day and collected my clothing and art supplies (above sketch was among them) and I vowed to do paintings of all the sketches I had earmarked. This was now my New Year's Resolution for 1984. Making positives from the negative.
Alfons told me I could stay as long as I liked. His room mate was moving out at the start of the new year - and since the 'Snow Queen' was already staying with her new boyfriend - the space was mine - no worries about the rent, we'd figure that all out later.
Having lived across the hall from me in the dorm years back - and later in my apartment (1972 - 74) he was used to my artsy disarray, so I was free to set up camp. He would frequently model that sexy swimmer/dancer body of his for me. Whenever there was an art class I could catch with him as the model, I was there. I even slept in his bed with him then and many times throughout the years. We had a long history together as best friends in college, and now that I had recently moved back to the area, it was like there was never the space in time that passed us by. New Haven would Rock once again for us.
We were always very close in spirit and had done almost everything together - eat, sleep, shower, play, dance - you name it - but never sex with each other. We had watched as one or both of us performed, but I think we were too afraid to fuck up that awesome friendship we had going. If two people could ever have been more platonic, I should like to see that example. Alfons had a copy of Rudyard Kipling's "The Thousandth Man" scribed up by hand for me as a Christmas Present in 1974. I have never received a present that meant more than that one...
Years later I would find out that he would have loved me as much as I loved him - if we had pursued that course - in every way... of course by then it was too late. Funny how that goes. Timing was never right. I never knew he took an older married fellow as his lover back in the day - we were sophomores, when he was staying with me at my apartment on Whalley Avenue - and I always had a girlfriend it seemed. Ahh... the 'hipness' of being Hippies - Sex Drugs and Rock & Roll Soul. At any rate, we had many a grand adventure throughout our blessed years together, and we were always there for each other even across all the miles that tried to sunder like-minded souls.
[acrylic on canvas]
This 'holiday occasion' as we referred to it, would be the second time in our 25 year history that he would save my life, the first being another story... His last words ever to me were,
"See You In the Sunset, Bro."
When he left this Earth 10 years later - a victim of the cursed AIDS plague, it seemed that the Sun & Moon darkened somehow for me, hiding the beauty and colors - I wouldn't pick up a paintbrush for years afterward.
Then I saw Him one night Dancing in the Stars. I remembered his last words to me. The next day I stroked the canvas with colors again in his honor...
I'll always Love You, Fonso.
You've reached that 'fine wine' age, and you're still as Fucking Gorgeous as ever... even more so to me. All because when I look in your eyes, I see that beautiful soul inside. You are the Hottest Motherfucker I know. Sorry, I guess I'm prejudiced, grey gotee and all.
So, You're the BIG Five - Oh................
Never fear, You're still the Sexiest Fucker I know. AARP ain't got nothin' on You. Wish I could be with You to Celebrate Your Big Day, but please know that I'm with You in Spirit, You Gorgeous Fucker, you.... Oh the things I'd do to make you feel that sweet pain and ecstasy. Just to hear you moaning and purring with delight would be my reward.
Soon Fucker... soon...
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
I've decided to fight once again for what I want...
Problem is, I don't want to fight you because you're what I happen to want. Just how the fuck do I start to do this?
First of all, although our situations are similar they are not the same. I hate to bring memories up that you thought you have put a distance to, but damn it... Things are different. I care and have been shut out - while he didn't care and shut you out. Big fucking difference there.
Both you & I have been hurt by the people we love... They did the hurting not us.
Maybe they didn't mean to, and maybe they did. People are strange - not you and me - and you know that.
Believe it or not, I just get so tired of always being in this position. Sometimes it just really sucks, and sometimes I look forward to being the victor of the battle. But something as important as this... well, it's downright fucking scary.
I don't want to lose you in the process.
I suppose this post should aptly be titled:
"I've Always Been A Dreamer"...
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Long ago and Worlds apart
we met by Chance with Aching Hearts
each Cursed by Love alone to Dwell
and Thought-Crossed Minds to end the Spell.
But then alas - not meant to be?
for I was Pledged alone to He.
that Moment spent became the Past
in Mem'ry's File was hapless Cast.
I cannot help to visit There
deep inside that Mem'ry's Lair
because to Me it can't compare
this Endless Hell - because I Care.
Secluded Dealings on the side
would cause for Me my Love to hide
and in the midst my Heart would Break
because with You the Earth did Quake.
I thought perhaps a Love to Heal
I cannot help the way I Feel
but then perhaps t'was not to be
for I shall not from this be Free.
Then in my Dream You came to Me
not all for naught - but Helped Me see
that Love Returned from You could be
the simple Fact: Love's Karma Key.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Had some time to think this weekend.
Reflecting back to another time...
We all lose people we Love... It's part of Life, unfortunately.
Death - the great equalizer - comes to call for us all at some point.
AIDS Day had me remembering some of my loved ones who are no longer here. Always at this time of the year between the holidaze I am bound to remember... After the anger and frustrstion of losing someone close, the acceptance finally wafts in, and we might imagine the 'what-ifs'. I often think about how lost ones might be today if they were still here. A mostly useless exercise, I'm sure - but a way to settle some still unresolved feelings after all this time. It makes me laugh, it makes me cry; but it mostly serves as an acceptance vehicle to deal with the losses. I have lost some beautiful friends & family members over the years to AIDS and other misfortunes, so it does tend to have a bearing on current relationships.
When someone we love commits suicide, for instance - we tend to be more watchful of symptoms we might see in others. Warning signs - so to speak. That could tend to cause problems also. We cannot be responsible for another's actions - only accountable for our own - but still that watchful eye is always there. Being available when you might see a sign of this nature in someone close is the best thing we could probably offer at that crucial time.
...and, as I've also found out over the years, Death is not the only way to lose. Sometimes it can be because of our own stupidity or ignorance of another's needs and feelings. Sometimes we can't foretell that our own actions can alienate and hurt someone else. Someone we may Love or have very deep feelings for. We may have grand intentions, but somehow, sometimes it just may not have been in the cards...
Try to be happy with things as they are. Make your peace. If you can't - attempt to change what you can - but always try to move through your own Life with grace. Do what's right for you, and generally good things will follow.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
It would seem that things have changed ...literally overnight. I don't know.
That's OK... I'm ready... I can do this.
This time is no different than any other time in my life.
People will let you down every time, if you let them. They might mean well, but... It never really happens like it's supposed to.
There is no great ideal - it's all in my head.
The moral is:
Never Depend On Anyone Else, When It Comes Down To Your Own Happiness.
Things that might be will always remain just that.
The real deal is just a horse of a different color.
...and so it goes...