Nervous Shakti शक्ति

Sketch for "Pharaoh's Dance" (1977)
in 2 parts...

Some Background History:

My New Year's resolution for 1983-84 was to do paintings of some of the sketches I had drawn over the years. I had been thinking about it for many moons - then a very negative incident finally compelled me to move forward with the project...

Friday December 23, 1983 near midnight:

Walking home 7 miles in 5 inches of snow after a 10 hour shift at the restaurant, I saw her car parked on the street... I opened the front door of the house - kicked off my boots - opened the fridge got a beer and walked into the bedroom only to find my then girlfriend in my bed with another guy. She was supposed to have picked me up from work. I couldn't reach her on the phone, and I was worried that something had happened. Well, indeed that was confirmed... although it was not what I had expected.

I didn't say a word. I closed the door, finished my beer in one huge gulp - put my boots back on, amidst the din of their voices and walked another shivering mile downtown to Sherman Avenue and my best friend's house where I proceeded to break down uncontrollably. He tried with little success to console me. I sat outside in the snow for what seemed to be hours. I just didn't care. He finally convinced me to come in for Hot Chocolate and a 'nipper' of Christian Brothers.

It was now Saturday December 24, 1983 - Christmas Eve...

I went back to my house later that day and collected my clothing and art supplies (above sketch was among them) and I vowed to do paintings of all the sketches I had earmarked. This was now my New Year's Resolution for 1984. Making positives from the negative.

Alfons told me I could stay as long as I liked. His room mate was moving out at the start of the new year - and since the 'Snow Queen' was already staying with her new boyfriend - the space was mine - no worries about the rent, we'd figure that all out later.


- from 2 minute class sketches

Having lived across the hall from me in the dorm years back - and later in my apartment (1972 - 74) he was used to my artsy disarray, so I was free to set up camp. He would frequently model that sexy swimmer/dancer body of his for me. Whenever there was an art class I could catch with him as the model, I was there. I even slept in his bed with him then and many times throughout the years. We had a long history together as best friends in college, and now that I had recently moved back to the area, it was like there was never the space in time that passed us by. New Haven would Rock once again for us.

We were always very close in spirit and had done almost everything together - eat, sleep, shower, play, dance - you name it - but never sex with each other. We had watched as one or both of us performed, but I think we were too afraid to fuck up that awesome friendship we had going. If two people could ever have been more platonic, I should like to see that example. Alfons had a copy of Rudyard Kipling's "The Thousandth Man" scribed up by hand for me as a Christmas Present in 1974. I have never received a present that meant more than that one...

Years later I would find out that he would have loved me as much as I loved him - if we had pursued that course - in every way... of course by then it was too late. Funny how that goes. Timing was never right. I never knew he took an older married fellow as his lover back in the day - we were sophomores, when he was staying with me at my apartment on Whalley Avenue - and I always had a girlfriend it seemed. Ahh... the 'hipness' of being Hippies - Sex Drugs and Rock & Roll Soul. At any rate, we had many a grand adventure throughout our blessed years together, and we were always there for each other even across all the miles that tried to sunder like-minded souls.

The Painting: "Pharaoh's Dance" (1984)
[acrylic on canvas]



This 'holiday occasion' as we referred to it, would be the second time in our 25 year history that he would save my life, the first being another story... His last words ever to me were,
"See You In the Sunset, Bro."


- from 2 minute class sketches

When he left this Earth 10 years later - a victim of the cursed AIDS plague, it seemed that the Sun & Moon darkened somehow for me, hiding the beauty and colors - I wouldn't pick up a paintbrush for years afterward.

Then I saw Him one night Dancing in the Stars. I remembered his last words to me. The next day I stroked the canvas with colors again in his honor...

I'll always Love You, Fonso.
Forever.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FUCKER

You've reached that 'fine wine' age, and you're still as Fucking Gorgeous as ever... even more so to me. All because when I look in your eyes, I see that beautiful soul inside. You are the Hottest Motherfucker I know. Sorry, I guess I'm prejudiced, grey gotee and all.



So, You're the BIG Five - Oh................
Never fear, You're still the Sexiest Fucker I know. AARP ain't got nothin' on You. Wish I could be with You to Celebrate Your Big Day, but please know that I'm with You in Spirit, You Gorgeous Fucker, you.... Oh the things I'd do to make you feel that sweet pain and ecstasy. Just to hear you moaning and purring with delight would be my reward.

Soon Fucker... soon...

I've Always Been A Scrapper

I've decided to fight once again for what I want...
Problem is, I don't want to fight you because you're what I happen to want. Just how the fuck do I start to do this?

First of all, although our situations are similar they are not the same. I hate to bring memories up that you thought you have put a distance to, but damn it... Things are different. I care and have been shut out - while he didn't care and shut you out. Big fucking difference there.

Both you & I have been hurt by the people we love... They did the hurting not us.
Maybe they didn't mean to, and maybe they did. People are strange - not you and me - and you know that.

Believe it or not, I just get so tired of always being in this position. Sometimes it just really sucks, and sometimes I look forward to being the victor of the battle. But something as important as this... well, it's downright fucking scary.

I don't want to lose you in the process.
I suppose this post should aptly be titled:
"I've Always Been A Dreamer"...

Once In My Dream

Long ago and Worlds apart
we met by Chance with Aching Hearts
each Cursed by Love alone to Dwell
and Thought-Crossed Minds to end the Spell.

But then alas - not meant to be?
for I was Pledged alone to He.
that Moment spent became the Past
in Mem'ry's File was hapless Cast.

I cannot help to visit There
deep inside that Mem'ry's Lair
because to Me it can't compare
this Endless Hell - because I Care.

Secluded Dealings on the side
would cause for Me my Love to hide
and in the midst my Heart would Break
because with You the Earth did Quake.

I thought perhaps a Love to Heal
I cannot help the way I Feel
but then perhaps t'was not to be
for I shall not from this be Free.

Then in my Dream You came to Me
not all for naught - but Helped Me see
that Love Returned from You could be
the simple Fact: Love's Karma Key.

Looking Back... A Look Ahead

Had some time to think this weekend.
Reflecting back to another time...
We all lose people we Love... It's part of Life, unfortunately.
Death - the great equalizer - comes to call for us all at some point.

AIDS Day had me remembering some of my loved ones who are no longer here. Always at this time of the year between the holidaze I am bound to remember... After the anger and frustrstion of losing someone close, the acceptance finally wafts in, and we might imagine the 'what-ifs'. I often think about how lost ones might be today if they were still here. A mostly useless exercise, I'm sure - but a way to settle some still unresolved feelings after all this time. It makes me laugh, it makes me cry; but it mostly serves as an acceptance vehicle to deal with the losses. I have lost some beautiful friends & family members over the years to AIDS and other misfortunes, so it does tend to have a bearing on current relationships.

When someone we love commits suicide, for instance - we tend to be more watchful of symptoms we might see in others. Warning signs - so to speak. That could tend to cause problems also. We cannot be responsible for another's actions - only accountable for our own - but still that watchful eye is always there. Being available when you might see a sign of this nature in someone close is the best thing we could probably offer at that crucial time.

...and, as I've also found out over the years, Death is not the only way to lose. Sometimes it can be because of our own stupidity or ignorance of another's needs and feelings. Sometimes we can't foretell that our own actions can alienate and hurt someone else. Someone we may Love or have very deep feelings for. We may have grand intentions, but somehow, sometimes it just may not have been in the cards...

Try to be happy with things as they are. Make your peace. If you can't - attempt to change what you can - but always try to move through your own Life with grace. Do what's right for you, and generally good things will follow.

ILLUSIVE IDEALS इल्लुसिवे इदेअल्स

It would seem that things have changed ...literally overnight. I don't know.

That's OK... I'm ready... I can do this.
This time is no different than any other time in my life.

People will let you down every time, if you let them. They might mean well, but... It never really happens like it's supposed to.
There is no great ideal - it's all in my head.

The moral is:
Never Depend On Anyone Else, When It Comes Down To Your Own Happiness.

Things that might be will always remain just that.
The real deal is just a horse of a different color.
...and so it goes...

From All Directions - Nothing

You were so right about the darkness, Sis.
It's so dark in here no light can penetrate.
Thanks for trying to turn on a light, though...

OK, I get the message, Fucker. There is no message... Still I hope that all is well with you... I might be a bit thick-headed, but I know that my heart belongs with you, not him. He threw it back at me long ago. You'd think I'd know better than this by now at my age. ...a trusting idiot, too old to learn new tricks at this point, I suppose. Trying to rationalize never works when you compromise mystic reverence.

No matter how good it sounds at the time, never mix your feelings with fantasy while playing a role. Even when you can't know you're playing. Don't let that silly imagination run away with you.

I think I'll have a good laugh now.
no job - no life - no love... sweet. Strike 3.
Seems like I never deserved those things anyway...

Just in time for the holidaze... Nothingness.
What once was - is now not...

Hurt comes in different sized packages.
Small ones can sometimes damage worse that the so-called big ones, but it all boils down to the same disillusion. People change - situations change - hell, the whole world is changing... Ice is falling off the Arctic Shelves directly on what was once my heart.
So why do I remain the same?
Fool - that's all.

Strike - A Note Of Compassion

I've lit the Winter Fire this day.
To drive the cold away.
Wishing You were here with Me to feel it's warmth.
It never seems to fail - how Life goes the way it wants - Leaving Us here alone.
Without...

I know you've gone to bed.
I've missed you yet again...
Your message is burning brightly on the IM... the only light is monitor. I wish I was there to make you laugh - I love to hear the sound of your laughter - like a warm running brook. But alas...

Another bad day at the office.
More firings, jobs depleted, more tears...
It's not your fault, Fucker. They put you in that position. They laugh at the people that you must axe ... It's a snapshot of Corporate American indifference & tyranny.

I empathize with you, Fucker. Wish I was there to hold & comfort you - to lick away those salty tears. Sides will settle soon. You will have the job back that you enjoy, not the things CEO's make you do. Maybe then they will personally feel what they have wrought on the Others.

The candle burns downstairs.
Fusing our foremost cares.
I'm sorry - feeling frustrated - but that never does any good.
Wish I could, but I can't be there - only in Spirit with You, Fucker.
One Day... Please make it soon?

• From This Side

I've decided not to go back to this new job. I was unconsciously starting to revert to old ways again by being there. I caught myself last night. I didn't like what I saw. So...

I don't know whatever possessed me to think I could work for a Corporation after all these years. I suppose it was lack of employment opportunities. This so called "job market" really bites. They want too much for too little, and it would seem they're the only game in town presently.

Sleep well, Fucker... Tomorrow's another DAY.

No Fault - No Blame

There is yet another dimension to everyday life - as it seems to be almost universally accepted by most People who are in relationships. I can't abide by the norm...

I have a lover with whom I have pledged to spend my life. At the time, it was the best thing that could have happened - I suppose we both had different thoughts about the ways we could enrich each other by spending our time together.

This relationship has evolved into static kinship which I am blessed by experiencing - but does not hold all that I need. I know he feels this too. Problem is, he won't admit it to me. I've waited years for it to pass, but I suppose it really is true what they say about the first love of your life...

I need to experience the passionate transcendence, the mystery and vibrant vitality of being alive. As the years grow shorter with every breath, I can't wait anymore - wishing it was - I need to do it now, before it's too late and I have to say - this or that could have been...

Open relationships never seem to work out - someone always loses or is hurt. I couldn't bear to hurt him, even though I know about his secret. I love him too much to do that, regardless. If it makes him happy, so mote it be. As it happened by chance or fate or destiny if you happen to believe in that sort of thing - it now seems that I have a secret too... I never expected it to come to this, but I can't ignore my life away either...

I am not now, nor have I ever been a spiteful or hateful person. I am simply a human that has needs like everyone else does. I'm so tired of turning off emotions that it has built itself into this. Like a dam that fills with too much water - the water of my war between intellect & sensibilities is spilling out over its boundary. And there is someone who wants and needs that water, as much as I must release it. I am also his release - and will take what he offers in return.

...and so I have been blessed...
I have to see it this way.
There is no other alternative.

In A Mood...

I'm numb today. I miss you so badly I can almost taste your sweetness. Life's little dramas play out while the biggest one is looming out of reach it seems.

I think of you most every minute, my sweet one.
You've shown me what it really means to be loved.
I wish I could just hear your beautiful voice in my ear... No - that would be worse than torture... Then I would crave you more than I do now - if that's even humanly possible.

To feel your warmth again has become the passion that drives me onward - always with such intensity it scares me.

Be Well, My Love. Know I am thinking of you ever after. I miss you more than time allows...

First Onion

I couldn't stay with you to enjoy the onion snow. The snow was clinging to the trees. The beauty and majesty of the first snowfall always is the best.

Making passionate love with you - next to a blazing fire on the sheepskins, your grey gotee shimmering in the firelight and that intensely limerent look in your eyes - will be forever in my most cherished memories...

Damn the telephones... and the rest that take precedence. I felt dispirited having had to leave you there alone. I was already missing you as I walked out the front door.

The roads weren't icy, and I thought of you throughout the 100 mile trek back - to be here by midnight - or turn into a pumpkin. The snow kept falling, as I drove into it, like traveling through the stars at light speed...

I would have liked nothing better than to have been waking up in your bed - with you cuddled next to me. After morning loving, getting up and having our first cup of coffee together - watching the daylight reveal the glistening snow and romping through it with you...

I'd tackle you and then...

Have you ever made love in the snow, Fucker?
I never have, but I would love that with you.
Sometime soon we'll spend the whole night through, I promise and I hope with all my heart. It's all I can do right now... Hope.

Please be patient with me.

My Sacred Places: कोलुम्सिल्ले

Today, just after noon I took some personal time for reflection. Thank The Old Ones for providing a Sacred Space nearby for much needed meditation and reflection. I needed to get back in tune using my harmonics which were barely audible within me, at this point. I don't know why I've waited so long to do this, but I now know it's happened just at the right time.
The 'nick' if you will...

When I got home I lit the Dreamcatcher Candle near Greenman and offered my collection for the New Year.
3 simple leaves and an acorn shell.
The symbol of Tetragrammaton if you please...
The candle burns brightly and the scent is sweet and permeates the household.

Here are a few pictures I took along the way...

I love sharing.

You can click for the big pic...

As the wind was answering my questions walking along the paths, I took it all in... the energy of the Earth & Sky before me, and the melody within myself which harmonized without. Hawks & Crows soaring on the last Autumn breezes. I found my answers in the falling leaves... The Trees still proud before me, baring limbs receding... [:::]

I have no one to blame but myself for letting this happen to me.

Things may have happened to me - terrible things - things from my past which will forever haunt me, things that were done to me because of hate, greed, jealousy, and all the other negatives that may be encountered; but it was all due to my own reactions to these negatives, that I lost my way.

I will remember not to let that happen again.

Thanks to my very special friend for helping me see this. You are a blessing to me. You know who you are, Beautiful One - and I'm getting reacquainted with me because of you. You helped me see what was missing in my life and recapture it for a glorious fleeting moment in time - I am forever greatful and in your debt. [:::]

The last three pictures had to do with the glowing aura I get from this place. "Thor's Gate" is the name of this spot, and it really is like St Oran said:
"The way you think it is may not be the way it is at all."
I can't remember the rest of the thought which comes after - at present, but it's equally as enlightening.

St Oran is a 'Christianization' of Merlin to me, from the time of the Book of Kells.

This was my humble offering today to the Earth & Sky...
...The Trees shimmered as I spelled out in Rocks and Acorn Shells "World Peace" not only Outer Peace but Inner Peace for all as well. Every Living Thing.

I remember St Oran's quote always when dealing with things that might be bothering me at any given moment. Maybe I just need another reference point or perspective view. I try to look at a problem I'm having from different angles to see if I will come to the same conclusion each time... [:::]

This last spot was the place I felt most at ease today. I sat down yogi style under a great fir tree on a large rock and took in the sight of Mother Nature in all her splendor at this most wonderful time of the year, tuning myself back into the sound of the Universe - not that I ever left, but it certainly felt like I finally came Home.

Happy New Year...

ॐ



________________________________

AIRWAVES INCLUDE:

"SHINE" - JONI MITCHELL (2007)

"SELLING ENGLAND BY THE POUND" - GENESIS (1973)

"THE CROSS OF CHANGES" - ENIGMA (1994)

"JOURNEY IN SATCHIDANANDA" - ALICE COLTRANE (1970)

"PEACEFUL WORLD" - THE RASCALS (1970)

________________________________

Dancing with Destiny ...(Indiscriminately)

I cried down 402 last night, partly because of - what most would call - my indiscretion, but mostly because I spent the most beautiful evening of my life with my kindred spirit.

• Midnight:

Deer went flying by on the wet road and seemed to know my mood - keeping their distance from the old Bronco; as beautifully colored wet October leaves circled down around me in the darkness and grey fog - lit only by the headlamps, as if to say we told you so - turn around you fool, before it's too late.

• Looking Through Tears' Prism:

Even though you have reassured me to the contrary - I fear I'm out of my league with You, my Sweet Fucker. You have become my Fabulous Absolute... The one I've seen in that dream. Finally holding you after all these years it has become incontrovertibly clear...

I'm here for you should you need me.
Sweet Fucker.

Kissing Bad Karma Away...

I was getting ready to leave when I saw you get out of your truck and walk towards me - and I thought to myself what a fine Fucker you were... Beautiful. You stood by my window for a moment, smiling that gorgeous smile of yours with a twinkle in your delightfully ravishing blue eyes - and then you spoke my name...

I melted in my seat for a instant. Then I got out of my truck to greet you and said, "Hell, let me give you a hug, Fucker." I squeezed you tight against me, and I was hooked as soon as our beards brushed. That warmth I will always remember
- meeting you.

I heard you say under your breath "Oh Fuck Yes..." My heart skipped a beat or two and I beamed at your emphatic approval - and as I smelled your scent - it thrilled me to my soul. It filled me with the fervor for you instantly, then and there on the spot in that half-full Wendy's parking lot. I wanted needed a taste of you. Fuck Wendy...

I will never forget how I felt when you asked me to follow you home. Hard as a rock I obliged to go the 20 miles deep into the country. Every bump in the road was torture... Apprehension grew to suspense.

Once inside your front door, it was another world. I didn't know what to do. Then you grabbed me and planted the most passionate kiss on me, it sent shivers down my spine, and shock waves through my entire body. The most electrically charged feeling I had ever experienced in my life. I had heard others speak of this sensation, but never having experienced it for myself - I had blatantly written it off as 'romantic fiction'. What did I know...

That kiss* seemed to last forever but it was really only near half an hour long... Lips locked & wild tongues lashing at each other. (the kiss* - all future kisses will never measure up to this unless they are with you) I clutched your sweet, tight ass and pulled you closer to me. When you placed my hand on your bulging jeans, I felt you throbbing as I rubbed & grabbed you. I knew we were connected somehow ...and then... Just like lightning splits a tree, it happened...

Never did I ever - in a million years - think it could be like that. Clothes were never shed fast enough - half a jacket on, a shoe half off, belt buckle & pants undone, a torn shirt & underdrawers - with full balls for each of us; then rubbing cocks with a fury - squeezing and licking and tasting every hidden place, revealed - holding on to each other so tightly that the pain was so much ecstasy... we rode out the waves of the sex magick for hours.

So much passion unleashed. Such heat, such sexual attraction - I had never known - until you. Even breathing seemed like something new. I wanted to spend the night - hell the rest of my time with you... but it was not to be.

Taken completely by surprise - I never realized what I had been missing all these years... Totally Insane Lovemaking at its finest ever. (some would call it lust, I suppose - but I know it was more than that)...

Anytime you're ready I'm Craving more with you, Fucker.

I'll Never Be Him

I'm sitting here, dysphoric - the worst feeling I've ever had in my life...
I feel like I can never be good enough... I don't know what you want. Maybe I never did...
When we first met, I thought we could conquer the world. Such hope & dreams.
Now it seems you don't want me to be part of that world.

I'll never do anything right in your eyes...
I don't know why that is, but I'm so tired of trying to figure it out.
I can't do it anymore. I've done all I can.

I know you're not happy with me. I've known that for years.
I'll never be Him - I can't be, I'm me.
I thought you loved me. It's what you said. Was I so wrong to believe it?
Maybe for a little while you did actually love me - or was that just my bad...

It's a hard thing, knowing that someone you love can't accept you for who you are.
Someone who says he cares, but won't support you in anything you try to do.
The funny thing is, I gave up everything I had - to be with you - I have nothing now.

I don't really care about all that, but I still care about you...
When you hide behind your newspaper shield - I'm crying there on the other side.
Right across the coffeetable from you...You don't know that do you?
You've never taken the time to feel it.

Maybe you do know it. Maybe that's what you want.
Maybe you feel like you're trapped - with me - when you want someone else.
It's all my fault... I don't know... You've stopped confiding in me long ago...

I can't make it better because I don't know what's wrong - or how to fix it - or even if it can be.
Such a bitter coldness in your eyes.
I can only feel the rancorous pain of rejection and loneliness ...and what makes it worse is I don't even know the reason why.
I only know what I feel... That coldness & disdain - the worst thing I've ever felt.

When you push me away, it's the most deleterious action you could ever take with me.
Then you ask me what's wrong, and when I manage to muster the words, you won't listen to what I have to say.
It's a mother mindfucker.
I finally give up - You've won whatever it was that you wanted...

I have to move on...